My love

Upon how many stars have I wished?
Out how many daisy petals have I pulled?
The rhymes and traditions I have fulfilled
To bring me to you
All were worth it.

[untitled]

You are my falling star.
On starry nights you are what I look for
You brighten my evening with even the most brief appearance
I have wished upon you for years,
and now you are mine to catch whenever you fall.

Tears

Teardrops steaming.
Where do they all go?
A pool, gleaming, reflecting, still as can be?
Do streams run from all over the world?

Do we all cry when no one is looking?
Does the pool know every sorrow?
Every sigh, and deep dispair,
Every heart's sad song?

12-20-1999

Yeah...

I hear the tearing of flesh
As you rend my heart to shreds
The puddble at yoru feet is that of
My love for you.

You care, I know it
But the love spilt at your feet
Does nothing except
To harden your heart against me more.

2-23-2004

(Simple Poem of Rememberance)

Beneath the hurt and confusion
Beneath the loss of you
Beneath the wonder and jealousy
Come these thoughts so few
That I miss your sweet smile
That I miss your tender laugh
That I miss your simple presence
And my love remains for the you I'll never have.

5-24-2005

My Room (and heart) are a Mess

My room is a mess
I feel in distress
Because I'm torn between love and attraction.

My heart is not pure
Of that I am sure
Because I find I'm dwelling on him.

Oh God let me be
A testimony of thee
Instead of this person I am.

Let my lips sing of you
May my thoughts of me be few
So that others may see your glory through me.

2-20-2004

What is Love?

What is love?
Not something that you feel,
But something that you do,
A promise you give.

It is an action you perform,
A determination that you make
A mind set you stick to
And something to strive for.

It is not the butterflies you get,
But the lengths you go to
And the time you take.

It’s not what you can’t live without
It’s what you would put up with
What you would give up,
And what you would do to keep it

It is patient
It is selfless
It is faithful

It is waiting
It is honoring
It is submitting
It is worth forever

8-30-2003
A lot of my friends were at the point of trying to find "the one" and they started to ask me for advice on what love was, how one knew if they were really in love, etc. I thought a lot about it, and this is what I came up with.

It Was

I try
I fail
You were
I am
With all my desperate grasping
I lose you to the wind
Tears come
I cry
You were...?

3-6-2002

[no title]

Questions circle,
Wonderings swirl.
I think,
I dream,
I wish.

Questions that bed for answers,
Wonderings thought over and over.
I think of you and I pause,
I dream of you and want to scream,
I wish and silence comes.

Stillness wipes out the questions
Quiet smoothes out all the wonderings,
I stop thinking,
I stop dreaming,
But the wishes are left to keep wishing.

8-30-2000

That's When I Love You

Me? Love you? That's a funny thought.
I couldn't love you. You just aren't my type.
But thoughts swirl and I come back, I'm caught.
Caught by you and the things you do
There are a few things that make me love you.

You stand there so cold and hard to me
You sometimes even flinch when I come near
But I try not to mind or to notice, that's just the way you will be.
I guess if I had the chance I wouldn't change you.
Because something that's why I love you.

In my dreams you are so perfect, I would change nothing
But when I see you, you're not the guy of my dreams
What's the difference? Is the guy of my dreams a real human being?
Yes. It is you, changed of course. There is a definate difference between you two.
But even though you are not the same, that may be why I love you.

Someday, I wait for that someday.
You'll change, you'll grow. You'll find your true love.
She may not be me, but I'll still watch you anyway.
She'll love you, I know. How could she not?
And though you'll be one, I'll love you as two.
I'll see her, I'll see you, and when you smile - that's when I'll love you.

12-18-1999
My first love. We were not right for each other, but we spent so much time together that I grew attached to him. I learned to love for things other than commonalities and attraction, and to look further into someone. He and I have grown apart over the years and gone our separate directions, and I am happy that he has the life he has always wanted. I wrote this before he got what he wanted, but I knew it would happen. And I still strive to show him up.

Silence

Silence, louder than anything
Penatrating every part of my being
Proding me
"Break me," the Silence taunts
Yet no one answers.

Oh, will somone answer!
But Silence reigns on
Day after day Silence reigns on.

After a while Silence ceases to crow
Ceases to remind me that he's there
Silence became almost a friend
I grew comfortable with Silence
As still no one answers.

Then, breaking Silence, my voice comes!
But barely an answer in return do I get
And again Silence reigns on.

Begging, pleading - break Silence!
I speak once more, (a last pleading try)
An answer?
A smile! A short laugh
But no answer...

I tried, I broke beautiful Silence,
Will I try again?
Silence reigns on.

12-24-1999
It seemed he never spoke, and when I finally tried to change that I realized how much better I prefered the hope I had before I tried.

Lunchtime Thoughts

Disapointment.
(Never your fault)
I simply decieve -
myself.

Daring
(to trust, dream)
Feeling some... thing...
Love?

Smile.
(heard not seen)
Fills with warmth -
my heart.

Yes.
(that is it)
Broken from loving -
You.

10/19/2005
I know what to expect, and yet I disillusion myself, believing what I know to be false. Standing on the hope of something I know is there, something that cannot be.

Memories of Then

Faded pictures melt into memories
I think of you and how you were
Thoughts that bring laughter,
Thoughts that bring tears,
I wouldn't give them up,
they help me to live on.

Will I find a love like I once imagined you could give me?
Or will I never be smiled at in that way again?
Your silly wave that meant so little, so much...
One last wink, one last smile
You were gone, lost. Forever?

Never will I forget you as life goes by.
Always will I try to find you, where you have gone.
There is one place you will always be -
In the back of my heart,
In the front of my memory.

You.

1-2-2000
This poem speaks so much of how I feel about every guy I ever fell inlove with. Strange how those feelings never change.

We're Us

Why must I love you?
I resist with every inch of my being
But you come back, you're always there
Whether I like it,
We're us

I try to escape
Only to find myself back beside you
"WHY?" I scream out with terror.
Am I destined to you always?
There you are,
There am I,
We're always us.

You turn and run East, I turn and run West.
I block the sound of your voice from ringing in my mind
(The sound most dear to me in the world)
You must get away,
I must get away,
Mistake. There we are - us again.

I turn on the radio to blast the thought of you away
I cry and wipe the tears away
I hide in my room only to hear your favorite song.
There you are, (can't I get away?)
There I am, (Oh, to get away!)
We're us. (once again)

12-20-1999
The first Adam in my life. Who hated me, but secretly could not do without me. His silence and stubbornness and refusal to be friends made me hate him, but only because it hurt to be so close to someone all the time and never have even a friendship, especially when we really got along so well when he'd break down and give a tiny bit of effort. I could not do without him either. I miss him still.